Frankfurter Gemeine Zeitung

9/10

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Es ist der Abend vor dem Jahreswechsel und mir erscheint eine Reihe von Dingen ungeklärt…Vor allem diese Monumente, die sich über zwei Dekaden in meinem Kopf angehäuft haben, in die ich selber unzählige Scharten und Erker reingezimmert habe… Wer wandert, wechselt ständig seinen Ort! In meiner Küche kann ich nachts den Bus atmen hören…Ein sattes,  strammes, ganzes Menschenleben lang…In meinem Herzen liegen alle Antworten auf alle möglichen Fragen begraben…mein Herz ist ein Massengrab. Ich. Ich nicht. Ich dachte, das  ich denke…Sie dachte auch, dass sie denkt, aber sie wurde nicht mit dem Gedanken an ein glückseliges Leben geboren. Deswegen bleibt ihr auch regelmäßig die Luft weg, wenn das Glück an ihre verschlossene Tür klopft! Sie dachte, das Gegenteil von Weltschmerz wäre auf Augenhöhe mit den Möwen sein…Ich merkte, wie es mir zunehmend fehlte mit jemandem wirklich zu reden…abseits der Äußerlichkeiten von ‘wie geht’s’ und ‘wie war’s’. Seit ich da bin, ist es eine einzige Hölle für jeden, dem ich begegnet bin; egal, was er oder sie mir erzählen will…ich kann es riechen, wie die Zellen angekokelt werden, ich kann sehen wie die Feuer lodern, glimmen, ausbrechen oder begraben werden…alles wiederholt sich. Da sind sie wieder, die Vögel und ihr Flug, dem ich entnehmen kann, dass meine Füße sich immer auf dem Boden befinden werden, so lange ich lebe…Also sprach ich so viele Worte, wie ich musste, ohne wirklich etwas zu sagen und aus all diesen Worten spross und knospte und wuchs eine unermessliche Einsamkeit…Da war es wieder, dass Gefühl, wenn ich im hintersten Winkel spüren kann, wie sich etwas Tiefes in mir zu Tränen zusammen rottet. Und als erste Regung davon ein nervöses Zucken in den Augenwinkel…Oh, könnt ich doch, denke ich dabei. Könnte ich doch etwas machen aus der kommenden, warmen Nachtluft; und sei es bloß, dass ich mir daraus ein Papierboot falten könnte, so groß, dass ich auf ewig in allen Zeiten darauf segeln könnte…ich wäre unterwegs auf goldfarbener See, und oben wäre unten und ich nähme mir, was ich nicht will. Rechts wäre links, Mond wäre Sonne, Recht wäre Ordnung, und Glaube wäre Hoffnung, Geld wäre fair…Ich würde so gerne das Garn einer solchen Nacht entwirren und für jeden mit gräsernen Stricknadeln das passende Kleid stricken. Ich möchte an allen Ecken der Welt sitzen und jedem ein hoffnungsvolles Wort sagen, wie jemand,der verliebt ist…das ist es,was ganz unten in der Luft solcher Nächte zu riechen ist! Man kann es nicht für sich behalten, das Wort, das einem der Wind auf die Haut der Arme streichelte…


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