Frankfurter Gemeine Zeitung

Das Endspiel (2)

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Zwei Fußballspieler auf der Reservebank in Südafrika. Clov, jünger, agiler, macht ab und zu Dehnungsübungen. Hamm ,älter, fast bewegungslos. Spiel- Geräusche.

Clov: Viel hängt vom Training vorher ab. Unser Training war früher so geheim, dass wir manchmal selbst nicht zuschauen durften. Da benotete der Trainer jeden Spieler nach „holländischen Noten“.

Hamm: Was ist das?

Clov: Eine 1 ist die schlechteste Note und eine 10 die beste. Allerdings werden die 1 und die 2 nie vergeben. Eine 3 erhält z.B. ein Spieler, den der Trainer einwechselt und der sich so anstellt, das man ihn eigentlich sofort wieder rausnehmen muss. Eine 5 ist die Durchschnittsnote und eine 8 gibt es immer nur für den Trainer selbst. Die 9 und die 10 gibt es auch nicht- die sind für die Götter. So sind die Holländer.

Hamm:  Die Holländer sind vorne vom Feinsten bestückt.

Clov: Apropos: Was sagt Deine Frau dazu, dass Du beim Endspiel auf der Reservebank sitzt?

Hamm: Ich hatte noch nie Ärger mit meiner Frau. Bis auf das eine Mal, als sie mit mir auf das Hochzeitsfoto wollte.

Clov: Ich finde es großartig, dass sich die Frauen immer mehr vermehren in der Bundesliga. Das blöde ist nur, Hamm: wenn ich in der Nacht vor einem Spiel Sex habe, verliere ich jegliches Gefühl in meinen Zehen. Aber ich denke, dass ich auch jemand bin, den man sehr gut anfassen kann. Es war ein wunderschöner Augenblick, als der Bundestrainer zu mir sagte: Komm Steffen, zieh Deine Sachen aus, jetzt geht’s los!

Zuschauerchor: Jetzt geht’s loos! Jetzt geht’s looos!

Hamm: Du heißt doch gar nicht Steffen.

Clov: Stimmt. Vielleicht hat er´s auch zu Steffen Freund gesagt.

Hamm: Ich kann mich noch an Berti Vogts erinnern: „Sex vor einem Spiel? Das können meine Jungs halten wie sie wollen. Nur in der Halbzeit, da geht nichts“.

(Beifall) Stadionsprecher: Der Beifall gilt Hansi Müller, der sich jetzt auszieht. Es sind noch zwei Minuten zu spielen. Es steht 0:0.

Hamm: Was hast Du eigentlich für eine Nummer, Clov?

Clov: 33. Wegen der 3.

Hamm: Bei den holländischen Noten?

Clov: Nein. 3 mal 3 ist 6. Eigentlich wollte ich die 6 haben, aber die war schon besetzt. Und Du Hamm?

Hamm: 1028.

Clov: Schwierig. Ob er Dich mit dieser Zahl einwechselt kurz vor dem Ende?

Hamm: Ich wäre überrascht, wenn das Spiel bis zum Ende dauert.

Clov: Das hier ist das Endspiel, Hamm. Das dauert bis zum Ende. Meinst Du, er wechselt uns noch ein?

Hamm: Interessiert mich nicht. Ich schlaf jetzt. (legt den Kopf in den Nacken und döst)

Clov: Das macht uns so unberechenbar. Keiner weiss, wann er ausgewechselt wird.


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