Frankfurter Gemeine Zeitung

Die Welt des schönen Scheins – unglaubliches

BILD0056

Als Beobachter der Zeitläufte stolpert man immerzu über die Behauptung knapper Ressourcen. Ebenso beständig ist man in Versuchung, dieser zuzustimmen, wenn es um Vernunft geht (nicht: Verstand). Nun scheint sie nicht zu den essentiellen und schon gar nicht zu den erwünschten Gütern zu gehören und der Wunsch, damit ausgestattet zu sein, folgt in der Rangliste hinter Auto, Kühlschrank, Ferienreise, Sieger bei DSDS oder gar Borussia Dortmund.

Den offenkundigsten Beweis für die Knappheit liefert in regelmässigen Abständen das Ministerium für Arbeit und Soziales und nährt so die Vermutung, dort komme man gänzlich ohne sie aus. Sie gleichen das offensichtliche Manko durch kreativen Umgang mit Fakten herzerweichend aus. Nachdem sich der Run auf die deutschen Facharbeitsplätze zumindest als etwas vorlaut erwiesen hat, entdeckt unser Maskottchen ihr eigenes Klientel wieder einmal mit staunenden Augen: Frauen, Greise, ja verdammt: Arbeitslose. All die einmal schnell gegengerechnet und schon ist der Mangel weg – und wie! Das Problem ist auch schon dingfest gemacht: sie müssen nur noch eingestellt werden. Glück auf, Frau von der Leyen.

Endlich! Es war ja auch nur eine Frage der Zeit und des kurzen Besinnens an frühere eigene Tage – jetzt ist sie da, die Handfessel für halslose Ungeheuer, euphemistisch Nachwuchs genannt. Kein Entrinnen mehr, der GPS-Sender lässt kein Ausbüxen mehr zu. Die Art von Mutter, die zu diesem Mittel greift, nannte man vordem „Glucke“ und die Wissenschaft kennzeichnete sie als „über-protektionistisch“, was man getrost dem manisch-depressiven Formenkreis zurechnen darf. Davon abgesehen hat diese Erfindung  – GPS-Kinderuhr – einen gravierenden Mangel: das Kind selbst hat keinen entsprechenden Display, muss also immer zu Hause anrufen, damit es sich durchgeben lässt, wo es sich aktuell befindet.

Man hat ihn erwischt – DSK mit keinen Hosen an – gemunkelt wurde ja schon lange. Jetzt ist Toleranz gefragt. Es scheint sich so klammheimlich eine Strategie breit zu machen droht, die natürliche Bedürfnisse alternder Männer schamlos ausnutzt. Nun gut, so lange er sich in den eigenen heiligen IWF-Hallen mit Kolleginnen auf dem Teppichboden wälzt, konnte ihm nicht viel passieren, schon klar. Dass man aber jetzt auf einmal von entwürdigenden Prozeduren spricht, denen potentielle Straftäter unterworfen werden und die Unschuldsvermutung hoch in Konjunktur steht, etwas Geschmäckle hat’s scho.

Andererseits ist das Phänomen nicht neu und vor einigen Zeiten gab es zur Vermeidung von Unklarheiten das berüchtigte „ius primae noctis“. Bei den ganzen Meldungen betreffs Präsidenten, die sich erstmal einen blasen lassen (USA), solche, die kurz ihre Assistentinnen vergewaltigen (Israel), wäre dies in Erwägung zu ziehen. Andere bezahlen wenigstens (Italien). Sparsame Österreicher benutzen ihr Hauspersonal (Kalifornien).

PS: Die Griechen müssen zittern, denn ihr Gönner sitzt, jener Heroe, der sich mit Verve für die Begleichung der Schulden stark machte. Generell werden die Europäer recht nervös, allen voran Frau Merkel. Denn ein Inder oder gar Chinese an der IWF-Spitze könnte einige Dinge etwas anders sehen aber auch hier gilt: Hosen können rutschen und mit herunter gelassenen Hosen ist nicht so schnell zu laufen.

Die demographische Entwicklung schreitet derart rasch voran, dass wir kaum hinterher kommen. Kaum hat die bundesrepublikanische Elite das Renteneintrittsalter um zwei Jahre erhöht, stellt dieselbe bereits fest, dass diese Massnahme weder ausreicht noch zeitgemäss ist. Wahre Ausbünde an Intelligenz melden sich jetzt wieder an vorderster Front. 70 vielleicht 75, Gleitklausel nach Bedarf, alles ist möglich. Während der glorreichen Betriebsarbeit bei Opel haben wir gerne die Nachrufe in der werkseigenen Zeitung gelesen. Da haben wir so eine Ahnung bekommen, wie dem lästigen und halt auch immer wieder kehrenden Rentenproblem beizukommen sein könnte. Es gab da – und die Ex-Kollegen wurden nach ihrer Abteilung sortiert – so einige Arbeitsplätze, deren Inhaber so eben noch die Verabschiedung und den kleinen Umtrunk mitbekamen und dann ging’s nach ein, zwei Monaten ab in die Kiste. Gerade noch genug Zeit, alles für den finalen Ruhestand zu regeln. Sie sollten alle posthum das Bundesverdienstkreuz erhalten, ein (Arbeits-)Leben lang eingezahlt und dann alles dem Gemeinwohl gestiftet. Helden der (Lohn-)Arbeit!

Da hast du’s jetzt, Frau Merkel! Erst die Spanier verhöhnen und ihnen den Urlaub vermiesen und nun haben sie sich revanchiert, haben ihre Kühe ordentlich auf die Gurken scheißen lassen und die dann flugs nach Deutschland geschickt. So eine Variante von Montezumas Rache. Damit es auch jeder kapiert, auch und gerade auf die hierzulande so beliebte Bio-Ware bezogen. So zieht man es auf , dass Terroristen versammelt wären. Und beschissen werden wir auch ausreichend.

BILD0709

Manchmal ist der Alltag abstrus und entzieht dir einfach den Boden unter den Füssen. Hierzulande braucht es dazu kein Erdbeben, die Katastrophe ist erstaunlich banal. Du gehst einfach über die Zeil, jener Hochglanzmeile und schon bist du mitten im schönsten Dialog.

Türsteher Douglas, grauer Anzug, Krawatte, perfekt rasiert, eindeutig Migrationshintergrund. In bestem Hochdeutsch, an einen der wenigen Penner gewandt, der sich direkt neben dem Eingang niedergelassen hatte: „Sie können hier nicht lagern, Sie belästigen unsere Kunden.“ Angesichts körperlicher Überlegenheit steht der Berber auf. Du fühlst dich genötigt, dich einzumischen. Mitten in das Gespräch platzt die Stimme von hinten: „Is ja noch scheener, jetzt muss mer sisch von dene Kanake schon saache lasse, wo mer sisch hinsetze derf.“

Es ist an der Zeit, den Herren einen schönen Tag zu wünschen und seines Weges zu gehen.


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