Frankfurter Gemeine Zeitung

Eine Gratulation an Boris Rhein

-SATIREWARNUNG: Bei diesem Artikel handelt es sich um eine geschmacklose Satire, in der völlig frei erfundene Spekulationen über das Privatleben von Boris Rhein angestellt werden. Nichts davon beruht auf tatsächlichen Fakten. Empfindsamen Gemütern wird grundsätzlich davon abgeraten, Satiren von Florian K. zu lesen.-


Lieber Boris Rhein,



vielleicht glaubst Du, mich nicht zu kennen, aber lass Dir von mir sagen, dass ich Dein begeisterter Anhänger bin.
Deshalb habe ich beschlossen, Dir zu diesem, Deinem besonderen Jubiläum zu gratulieren!

Vielleicht kann ich mit diesem Text sogar ein paar Leuten zeigen, dass Du garnicht dieser rolandkochoide Unsympath bist, für den Dich alle halten, sondern sich hinter der Fassade Deines großkotzigen Machtgehabes in Wirklichkeit ein sensibles und verletztes Seelchen versteckt.

Weit hast Du es ja schon gebracht und das in noch recht jungen Jahren. Das hast Du schon richtig gemacht, genau wie Gerhard Schröder oder Roland Koch. Erst in der Politik den dicken Zampano machen und sich dadurch dann für einen lukrativen Job in der Wirtschaft empfehlen, das ist Karriereplanung für Gewinner! Selbst wenn Du fällst, fällst Du weich. Dich wird man nicht auf Hartz-IV wiederfinden. Dazu hast Du einfach zu einflussreiche Freunde und das ist ja auch schön so.
Sollen die ganzen Neider doch schimpfen. Was kannst denn Du dafür, dass die ganzen linken Taugenichtse nicht so tolle Kontakte haben? Schließlich sind gute Kontakte eine alte Tradition der CDU und davon haben auch andere große Staatsmänner bereits profitiert, man denke nur einmal an den Kanzler der Einheit, Helmut Kohl, oder an den letzten Bundespräsidenten, Christian Wulff.
Wer wollte schon in einer Welt leben, in der man nicht wenigstens ein Bisschen „Bimbes“ von seinen Freunden aus der Wirtschaft einstecken kann? Ganz unverbindlich versteht sich.

Und wer könnte es denn besser wissen als Du, dass Du es verdient hast?
Musstest Du damals in der Schule nicht den ganzen Spott Deiner Klassenkameraden ertragen? Dabei wolltest Du doch bloß höflich sein, wenn Du dem Lehrer immer mit den Worten „nach Ihnen, Herr Lehrer“ die Türe aufgehalten und dabei einen artigen Diener gemacht hast.
„Streber“ haben sie Dich damals genannt und „Brillenschlange“. In der Pubertät warst Du eine Zeit lang nur die „Pickelfresse“. Spottlieder haben sie über Dich gesungen. „Rhein-Schwein! Rhein-Schwein! Flieg nicht in den Main rein!“ klingt es noch heute in Deinen Ohren.
Aber das war doch nichts als blanker Neid!

Es waren halt die 80er und die anderen Jugendlichen liefen in der Klasse immer so abgerissen herum, wie die Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo, mit Löchern in den Jeans. Du hingegen warst anders, schließlich stammtest Du aus einer ordentlichen Familie. Deine Eltern waren Leute, die sich noch um ihre Kinder kümmern. Darum hat Dir Deine Mutter schon abends ein schönes Lacoste-Hemdchen rausgelegt und Dir eine adrette Falte in die Hose gebügelt.
Sie hat Dich auch immer getröstet, wenn die anderen Schüler gemein zu Dir waren und wieder Deinen schönen Scout-Schulranzen in die Müllcontainer geschmissen haben.

Deiner Mutter bist Du dafür heute noch sehr dankbar. Und schau, was aus Dir geworden ist: Ein richtiger Familienvater, mit einer wunderbaren und glücklichen Familie! Alle sind stolz auf Dich und sogar Tante Frieda hat sich beim letzten Familientreffen gefreut, was Du doch für ein stattlicher Kerl geworden bist.
Ein Bisschen peinlich war es Dir schon, dass sie Dir dabei vor allen Leuten in die Wange gekniffen hat, aber Du hast die Zähne zusammengebissen und dabei gelächelt. Das lernt man als Politiker schließlich.

Und mal ehrlich:
Hättest Du es mit 16 überhaupt für möglich gehalten, dass Du jemals richtigen (die anderen „Begebenheiten“ zählen da nicht, aber davon später) Sex haben würdest? Nein, das hättest Du nicht. Niemand hätte das.

Aber um es allen Zweiflern zu zeigen, hast Du eines der Produkte Deiner stolzen Lendenkraft sogar auf einem Wahlplakat präsentiert. Zumindest gehe ich doch mal davon aus, dass das Kind auf dem Wahlplakat Dein Kind war und Du es Dir nicht bloß für die Kampagne ausgeliehen hast. Das wäre schändlich, aber so etwas würdest Du als echter Familienmensch bestimmt nicht machen. Und außerdem muss ich sagen: Das Gesicht hat sie ganz vom Vater.
Auf einem anderen Wahlplakat küsstest Du ein Kind welches mit geschlossenen Augen vor einem Buch saß, mit einem Gesicht, das eine Mischung aus Fürsorge und Besitzerstolz spiegelte. So wolltest Du auch uns Wähler in den Schlaf küssen, Du kleiner Märchenprinz. Und keiner in Frankfurt wusste es zu schätzen.

Aber dass man Dich verkennt, daran bist Du ja gewöhnt, noch aus der Schule. Auch die schöne Anna aus Deiner Klasse hat Dich damals nie beachtet. Ein Bisschen frühreif wirkte sie und hatte große Brüste für ihr Alter. Die anderen Jungs aus der Klasse umschwärmten sie und machten ihr Geschenke. Das hast Du Dich natürlich nicht getraut. Aber Du warst ziemlich verliebt.
Du hast immer beim Einschlafen Dein Kissen umarmt und dabei versucht, Dir vorzustellen, Du würdest sie umarmen. Und dann ging sie auf einmal mit Giovanni, diesem italienischen Gastarbeiterjungen aus der Oberstufe, einem groben, widerlichen und großmäuligen Südländer.
Wenn Du ganz frustriert warst, so alleine unter Deiner Bettdecke, dann stelltest Du Dir manchmal vor, was für Sauereien die beiden miteinander veranstalten würden. Am nächsten Tag schämtest Du Dich und suchtest Deine Handflächen nach Zeichen von Haaransatz ab. Mit den Haaren auf den Handinnenflächen hat Dir nämlich Dein Vater immer Angst gemacht.
Wie sollte ein ordentlicher katholischer Familienvater seinem Kind denn auch sonst Zucht und Anstand beibringen, wenn nicht durch Angst? Wer hätte denn schon die Zeit, immer zu kontrollieren, was sein Nachwuchs so alleine unter der Bettdecke anstellt?

In der Jungen Union hingegen hat es Dir gleich richtig gut gefallen. Da gab es Jungs, die die gleichen Interessen und Probleme hatten, wie Du.
Dort machte man verklemmte und autoritätshörige kleine Jungs nicht zum Gespött, sondern fand sie wohlerzogen. Dort hattest Du Dein Refugium gefunden.
Mit den Leuten von der Jungen Union konntest Du Dich ganz entspannt über Briefmarken und elektrische Eisenbahnen unterhalten und die meisten kanntest Du schon aus der Kirche. Manchmal ging es auch ins Ferienlager.
Die Kirche war für Dich sowieso ein Hort der Geborgenheit, von klein auf. Wann immer Du irgendwelche Probleme hattest, hast Du sie unserem lieben Herrn Jesus Christus in Deinem Nachtgebet anvertraut, auch die Geschichte mit dem alten Pfarrer S.
Sonst hast Du mit niemandem über diese Sache gesprochen und das war auch gut so, wie Du heute findest. In konservativen Kreisen hat man schließlich noch genug Anstand, die etwas seltsamen Neigungen eines alten Mannes, dazu noch eines tadellosen Christenmenschen, nicht gleich zum Stadtgespräch machen zu müssen.

Und Verschwiegenheit zahlt sich aus, wie Deine Freunde bei den Hells Angels zugeben werden. Aber Du hast schließlich gelernt, dass man auch Freunde manchmal opfern muss und hast den Hells Angels ordentlich eine reingewürgt.
Hättest Du Dir das in Deiner Kindheit vorstellen können, dass die großen und gefährlichen Hells Angels einmal Deine Freunde sein wollen könnten? Und hättest Du Dir vorstellen können, dass Du einmal in einer Position sitzt, in der Du ihnen ungestraft eins auswischen kannst?
Macht ist etwas Tolles! Genieße sie, denn Du hast es Dir redlich verdient!
Da kannst Du auch hier und da mal etwas bei der Vergabe von Stellen und öffentlichen Aufträgen für Deine Kumpels rausholen. Und wenn das dann auffällt, musst Du sie nur einfach wie eine heiße Kartoffel fallen lassen.
Ist das nicht, bitte entschuldige den vulgären Ausdruck, einfach geil?

Alles in Allem hat sich Dein Leben doch sehr zum Guten gewandelt, auch wenn diese linksliberalen Frankfurter Dich nicht einmal als OB einführen wollten; in das Amt versteht sich.
Wie Deine Psychologin damals sagte: Eines schönen Morgens wirst Du aufwachen und das Laken ist trocken. Dann bist Du ein richtiger Mann.

Und das feiern wir heute:
12 Monate ohne kleines Malheur! Wenn das kein Grund zur Freude ist!


Aufrichtigsten Glückwunsch und alles Gute,

Dein ergebener Freund Florian K.

P.S.: Um das ganze abzurunden, hier noch ein schönes Lied, nur für Dich lieber Boris.


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